After 3 papers, the pain is back. I thought i left behind the pill-popping and sleepless nights but no, this sprain is haunting me. My thumb feels so wonky its almost like a phantom limb. It spasms and i can't hold a cup with my right-hand alone for fear i drop it. This is ridiculous. My parents don't seem to think its a big matter, they brush it off with useless words like just exercise it. Oh sheesh, i need a fast solution and painkillers don't even cut it. I've been icing it for days and it seems to get freaking worse. I'm at a lost. I can push through my exams but i'm pretty sure i'll fail in this condition, since i couldn't even finish my first 3 papers because my hand was on fire. My teachers think its an excuse, i'll rather write my thumb off than request to reschedule. Here i am in a dilemma, all because of a nasty fall. Damn you soap suds, you ruined my life.
LOL i didn't know that spirits could get punished. You must mean corporal punishment. My country practices it so i've been brought up to know that if you do something wrong you have to face consequences, and if the crime is serious enough, you will face corporal punishment. To punish someone by inflicting pain is not foreign to traditional chinese parents, I've been caned at home and it has frankly made me a better person. Young children associate a bad behaviour with pain and they learn. I see no wrong in corporal punishment, if it is dealt out by a mature and rational adult.
Rainy days have a funny way of making someone feel down. And very very sleepy. Here i am, a friggin 18 year old that can only use the internet after my mother comes home. I've made up my mind that when i'm a mother, never to use threats to control my child. She removed the modem... sigh i can't even begin to understand how my mother works. She expects us to do our part and help out our parents when she dangles our modem over our heads as a threat. Right. If she's trying to build initiative and genuine willingness she's got everything wrong. Sometimes i think that my parents have done an excellent job in raising us but there are times where they've got it so wrong.
Ugh this badass ulcer in my mouth is pulsating. Maybe that's what got me on edge.
My grandparents are old, they are the only ones left, the rest of my grandparents have all passed. They've been there since i was born, i lived with them for the first 6 years of my life. Granddad taught me Chinese chess, how to be a honest person, fed me potato chips and showed me off to his friends. Grandma cooks my favourite beehoon and curry.
You know how the older generation has proximity issues? Every time i hug them they'll look so sheepish but yet smiling. I remember one day i went out for dinner with aunty and i went to sleep over at gramma's house. It was late and house was dark. Gramma was sitting in the lighted kitchen eating porridge, waiting up for us. At that moment the image of her made me cry, we were off enjoying a buffet and she was alone waiting up...
Today i was watching granddad eat his lunch, he's mobility and memory is going and i could see him struggling. Not just struggling with the pain but the loss of pride as well. Granddad was a strong man who lived relying on himself. The need to rely on people was painful for him, i could see how badly he wanted to overcome the physical restraints of his body, but he can't. It was a prison, a cage of decaying flesh. When i watched him, i realized how much i wanted my grandparents to regain their youth, to be able to push me on the swing again, to take their favourite walks without worrying their families and carry their grandchildren again.
On the way home, i realized just how little time they had left. I prayed that they would hold on till after my A levels, i don't think i could deal with their deaths. Selfish as it may seem, i don't want to die, ever. I made a decision to spend their last few years making them feel loved. They deserved that much. God help me to fulfil this wish.
3 more months, and the clock is ticking. Spending time with my friends individually made me realize how much i enjoyed just talking about life. Some say that friendships is about reciprocity but I've never really opened up to anyone. My friends call me the "emotional sponge" the person they can rely on when they feel pissed or down and i'm glad i can be that person to them. I haven't found someone i can confide in and when the tears come, i just delve in and hold on. Lucky i overcome such emotions pretty quickly. Funny how therapeutic typing my thoughts as Chris Tomlin plays on my speakers is. "the earth will soon dissolve like snow" Oddly reassuring.
Dear Mr God, I'm writing to you today, because it seems like lately I've forgotten how to pray. I know I don't need this pen, but everybody likes to get a letter now and then. I'm sorry for not writing more.
Cause I need you, but it's hard to see why anyone as big as you needs anything from me. I know you're there, so how you been? I'm alright but I can't lie, sometimes I feel like giving in. You're all I've got.
Help me find my way, my determination and the passion to thirst for you. I lose my way so often and even if my heart shows me the right way, I drift and ignore your voice. I know you can see whatever i do, yet my actions remain tainted. I'm sorry for letting you down, please help me to fight myself.
I seriously am just finding a way out of studying.... The fact that i've been degraded to posting online thoughts that i otherwise have no way to express. Funny how life comes back at you.... I spent most of my life scoffing at those who were slaves to their blogs and "twitter". The logic behind this human behavior is unsurprising as it is predictable. People want others to know they exist. The constant need to be reassured that you are popular is an affliction of humans. I'm no exception, but i try to resist. Then again i'm posting on livejournal. Huh. At this point I contemplating my treacherous behavior. Screw this. I shall make a pathetic attempt at a excuse, "I'm practicing my writing" Since I'm at this, I love writing, its one of the things that i don't find boring. Too bad the system has no place for creative writing.
Oh darn, I have drifted off. Daddy Day. Right, the day where Fathers feel vastly short-changed as compared to Mothers. Shoot me if I'm wrong, but i know for a fact that my dad feels like that. At least this year we made a bigger effort. Since Dad's birthday is 2 days before Father's Day. Sometimes i think the filial piety that was drilled into the Chinese youth since eons ago has diminished. My friends response to Father's Day plans were a sad "Chocolate Bar" or nothing at all. I think that the gesture counts more than we think. Dad used to say "Obedience is the greatest gift" but deep down he wants us to make an effort. The presents we got him this year was nothing spectacular but he was tearing... What makes a grown man cry? When his children outright expresses their gratitude in the form of words. Then he knows that all the hours of work he put in did not go unnoticed. He may not have carried us for 9 months, but working, cooking and caring for us at the background is much more than we could ever ask for.
"The greatest gift I've ever had; Came from God, I call him Dad"